Gritty, Not Pretty
Uncurating my Spirituality
I’m a millennial so every now and then I scroll through social media and stumble on an inspirational post from a friend. We’ve seen them — impeccably formatted, choice fonts, punchy yet poetic; enough conviction packed in 140+ characters to start a reformation. Pretty and well-curated advice abound thanks to the connectivity of the world-wide web. Aside from the rush of positive thinking I pause and wonder, “Is this actually helpful, or merely palliative?”. If I gave this advice to a friend, would it sustain them when they encounter that fateful season of desolation? In my case, a pithy text-over-image and well-lit photo wasn’t enough when I faced an extended bout of grief and depression. I was less the pretty picture of spiritual health but more a hot mess shrouded in confusion.
At one point I needed to make a choice. Abandon my faith or roll up my sleeves and wrestle with it. I resolved to dig deep, ask the hard questions, and deconstruct my own relationship with God. It led me to this question, “Had I developed a sincere spirituality that reflected the renewed mind of a believer?” A theology professor once explained to me that spirituality is the way (or “swagger” to quote directly) in which we conform ourselves to the image of Christ. We all have our manner of speaking or style of dress and our spirituality is how we relate to God and yield to the Holy Spirit in our daily lives. Yet in my frustration and anger Christ’s example felt impossible to imitate.
As I journeyed through the cavern of listless melancholy I recalled Jacob’s furious plea wrestling an angelic figure on his way back to Canaan (Genesis 32:26–29).
“But Jacob said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.”
“What is your name?” the man asked.
He replied, “Jacob.”
“Your name will no longer be Jacob,” the man told him. “From now on you will be called Israel, because you have fought with God and with men and have won.”
“Please tell me your name,” Jacob said.
“Why do you want to know my name?” the man replied. Then he blessed Jacob there.
Jacob’s innate stubbornness mirrored my own and I desperately desired an encounter with God to change me. Yet, the experience I was looking for wasn’t found at revival meeting or worship session. It was scripture that transformed me. The living word expertly untangled my confusion and reconstructed my battered broken heart. In relishing in the word of God I discovered women whose testimonies gave me vocabulary for my pain and reshaped a new framework for my faith.
I turned to the Old Testament in a last ditch effort to learn from those who grappled with hope and hopelessness. In my wrinkled bible I encountered women like Esther who surrendered her virtue to a corrupt king for the lives of the Israelites. The once barren and inconsolable Hannah who birthed Samuel, the prophet that anointed Israel’s first kings. The powerless concubine Rizpah whose public lament and protest brought an end to a three-year national famine. A teenage, unwed Mary who faced public stoning for carrying the world’s long-awaited Messiah.
Facing ridicule, shame, and death these women placed their redemption in the hands of a God they knew so intimately that their response to humiliation was humility. They didn’t clothe themselves in fine linen and communicate their grievances with the grace of a sage. Instead their passion overwhelmed them and deep in their spirit they accessed the resilience to persevere and stand firm in their resolve. The quality of their spirituality was gritty; their supernatural determination to persist qualified their name-check in our bibles.
This gritty spirituality paved the way for a renewed relationship with Christ, framed by an awesome love that transformed my spiritual gait. A love that Paul commanded the Roman church to display in his letter.
Love must be sincere (authentic, true, profound). Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
- Romans 12:11–12
This kind of love Paul invites us to isn’t easy. It demands we present an honest testimony of the good news in our life. I learned becoming a disciple required grit; and the examples of Esther, Hannah, Rizpah and Mary, ultimately drew me to fix my focus back on Jesus. It was then that I could finally grasp Him as my Savior once more; and he continues to honor my unprettiness as I tread his hallowed footsteps into the gentle twilight of a new day.
My Prayer:
It is my prayer that those of you who’ve begun to feel surrounded by hopelessness and despair…. you can cling to our Rock, the immovable and ever-present Jesus. As you exhale, I ask you wait and feel His presence as you courageously walk through your journey of healing. [Selah]
*Originally published July 6th, 2019 for Women of Wonder (WOW!).
